


Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

by orphan_account



Series: So get this... [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Sam needs to learn to shut his mouth, and stop being so fucking jealous, and trying to steal other peoples' angels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-21 06:45:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompted by <a href="http://noangelsinthegarrison.tumblr.com/post/55824728925">these</a> <a href="http://noangelsinthegarrison.tumblr.com/post/56192110299">two</a> tumblr posts... so dedicated in part to tumblr user <a href="http://casistooadorableandithurts.tumblr.com">casistooadorableandithurts</a>.</p><p>(forgive me, I can't remember exactly what their safe house looks like)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

Sam isn't sure what in the name of Hell Dean and Cas are up to, nor is he sure he wants to. That doesn't defeat the simple fact that he has to know, because they all live together now. True, Dean and Cas have always harboured a ridiculous amount of tension, but lately they've both just been skitterish. Cas seems to find any excuse not to be in the same room as Dean, and even when they're together Sam notices Dean's eyes fail to meet Cas's. He looks ashamed.

"What did you do?" Sam finally corners Dean in the kitchen right after Cas has run out again, knocking over a lamp on his way out. Dean pretends not to hear him, but Sam knows his brother way too well. He gets a hold of Dean's shoulder and spins his brother around. "What. Did. You. Do?" He demands.

"I made a sandwhich," Dean replies dully. "I didn't know it was that damn interesting." Dean turns back to the counter. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to eat it. Unless my teeth need to undergo some sort of interrogation too?" Dean pushes by Sam and reaches for a beer in the fridge, closing the refridgerator door with his hip. Sam growls in frustration, closes his eyes, and counts to ten. When he opens them, he approaches the table, but doesn't sit. "What now?" Dean asks, agitated.

"To Cas," Sam clarifies. "What did you do to Cas?"

Dean takes a long pull of his beer, and then wipes his face down with one hand. He has no idea how to explain these past couple of days to his brother, which puts him in real good shape because if he can't explain it to his brother, how can he ever hope to explain it to Cas?

After a few moments of deliberation, Dean finally gives up on finding a smooth way to explain himself. "I slept with Cas."

Sam needs to sit down and does so in about the most ungraceful way Dean can imagine. His jaw is nearly unhinged. "You what?"

"Well, when I slept with, I don't mean we actually slept, I just -" Dean blushes, a rare sight for Sam. There's not much that makes his brother feel ashamed, embarressed, or giggly. Right now, he seems about all three. "I just sort of...helped him masturbate."

"Dude!" Sam throws his hands up. "Way too much info!" 

"Well then why'd you ask?" Dean snaps, turning back to his food.

"Because you guys have been way awkward around each other since - Jesus!"

"Mary and Joseph," Dean offers.

"This isn't funny, Dean," Sam snaps. "I'm going to have to clean up another one of your messes. Why couldn't you have just let him go? Do you really need to sleep with everything that moves?"

"Hey, I do not sleep with everything that moves -"

"I thought Cas was different."

"Sam -"

"No," Sam stands up, slamming his hand on the table for emphasis. "I've had it, Dean. You wanna treat people we don't know like prostitutes, that's - well, it's annoying, but as long as you're both consenting it doesn't matter in the long run. But Cas isn't like that. He won't understand that all you want to do is fuck him and leave him. And even if he did, Dean, you can't do that. We're all living together now."

"Sam -"

"I can't believe you would do this to him, just toy with his emotions like that."

"What emotions?" Dean hisses. "Do you not remember the Leviathin, his deal with Crowley, or bringing you back soulless? How about the time when he played God and nearly got us all killed, murdered his own brothers and sisters, and then almost killed me? Besides, you know what Anna said: Angels can't love. They can't feel. That's why she didn't want to be one anymore."

"And you really believe that?" Sam looks up, face white as a ghost. Dean doesn't need to turn around, isn't even sure he can. 

"Cas -" Sam calls, but the man has already skittered out the door. When the door slams, Sam turns to Dean. "Aren't you going to go after him?"

"I'm going to let him cool off. And don't you go after him, either. Let me handle this."

"Like hell," Sam growls, and despite Dean's shouts of protests he follows Cas as well.

* * *

Cas doesn't get far. There's nowhere to go and he doesn't have any real way to get there, anyway. He can't drive and outside of the Impala there are no other modes of transportation. So he's just sitting with his back against a tree, watching a bee pollinate a flower and wishing he was crazy Cas again. Or dead Cas, because then the pounding in his stomach would go away. He'd felt this before, or something like it. When he saw Anna kiss Dean, when Dean banned him from the house, as Dean pleaded for his life when Cas was brainwashed by Naomi. But this feeling that makes his stomach roll over and the contents of it threaten to re-emerge has never been so powerful. He hasn't cried since he was a child (or the Angel equivalent of a child), yet that seems to be all he's done since losing his grace.

Sam comes up and stands awkwardly at his side. Cas wants to tell him to go away, but is too afraid of what he'll actually say when he opens his mouth. So he lets Sam sit down next to him, and lets him talk.

"I'm sorry about Dean," Sam says, leaning back to rest on his palms. "He doesn't normally fuck up this badly. Every once in a while, though..." Sam whistles for illustration. "He just...doesn't view sex the same way some other people view it. That's not to say it's wrong to have sex without being in love, or that it's wrong to abstain. It's just -" Sam tries to gesticulate with his hands, but isn't even sure how to describe what he wants to communicate.

But he doesn't have to. Cas is all out of tears, so he just rests his head on Sam's shoulder. And Sam lets it happen, although he has a feeling that tells him he sould push Cas off. Cas is his friend too, but he knows that isn't all this is. Not on Sam's part, anyway. Unlike Dean, Sam really can't subsist on sex alone. He misses all of the parts of relationships. He misses being there for the person through bad days, cuddling and watching the TV on good ones. He misses making dinner together and dancing to the radio together. There are a lot of things in life his brother provides for him, but the sort of solidarity that comes from relationships is not one of them.

* * *

Dean is furious when he goes to check on Cas and finds that Sam has already done that. Of course, that's not all Sam's doing, because Sam is also petting Cas's head and and rubbing his shoulder, his arms wrapped around him. Dean doesn't know and doesn't care if Cas is aware of any of this, because Cas is innocent to the way human relationships work. Sam is not.

"What in the fuck do you think you're doing?" Dean grabs Sam by the nape of his neck when he and Cas return. Cas seems slightly less traumatized, but is still avoiding Dean for all it's worth.

"I'm cleaning up your mess, Dean." Sam pushes Dean off of him. They don't fight like this often, but he'll do what he thinks he has to.

"I told you to leave Cas to me, Sam. I fucked this up, and I will fix it again."

"When?" Sam demands. "That's not the kind of person you are, Dean. And you know what? Maybe Cas doesn't need you anymore -"

Sam knows there are several things wrong with what he just said. He knows it when it leaves his mouth, but he doesn't have room to apologize. Dean has him backed up against the wall, shoulder blades pushing harshly into the solid wood. "Is that a threat?" Dean asks. Sam is torn between standing his ground and giving up. "Cas is my Angel. Get your own, Sammy," Dean warns before pushing his little brother away and stomping off down the hallway.

* * *

Dean enters Cas's room without knocking. Cas is still wearing Dean's clothing, because they haven't exactly had the time to go shopping for more appropriate garb. Cas doesn't react to Dean's entrance, because he's too busy packing a wallet with condoms. Dean has to swallow hard to get the lump in his throat back down. "Where are you going?" he asks.

"Out," Cas replies simply, still not looking at him. He checks his wallet for something - probably singles - and nods to himself, placing the wallet in his back pocket.

"Out where?" Dean asks, trying his hardest to be casual as he advances on Cas's bed. 

Cas shrugs. "Anywhere where there are people. Women. Prostitutes, preferrably." Several alarms are raised in Dean's head.

"What? No, Cas -"

"Don't tell me what to do, Dean," Cas hisses, and he tries to push past him before remembering that he's no longer got that superhuman strength. Dean places his hands firmly on Cas's shoulders. "Get off of me," Cas snaps.

"No, Cas, please -"

"Please what? Please don't act the way you do? If you can go out and sleep with whomever you want to, why can't I, Dean? Shouldn't I be afforded the same luxery?" 

Dean looks at Cas, really looks, and sees that his eyes and cheeks are still raw from crying. And the sight of it breaks him, because his Angel should never hurt this much. And what does it say about him, that he's the problem to this answer? That he's only been making things worse, not better? Even when Cas has let him down in the past, Dean can't stand to see his friend hurt so much. It just kills him. So when Dean finally speaks up, finally answers, all he can offer is a broken, "Because you promised me you'd never change."

Cas laughs harshly and says, "That was a long time ago," before breaking free of Dean and making sure to slam his bedroom door on the way out.

Dean, for the first time in a long time, lets himself cry. How he's managed to make things get this bad this quickly, he'll never know.

* * *

"I've got it," Kevin says. He's breathless on the phone, and Sam can barely understand it. "That last sacrifice. Cas said he couldn't figure out what it was, but I think - no, I know, I've got it. Where are you guys?"

So the three are now uncomfortably assembled in the main room as Kevin paces manically back and forth. The room is once again filled with terrible tension. Sam hangs his head as penance for his behavior yesterday. Dean's eyes are staying very fixed on Kevin, so he can avoid Cas who - although he appears to be hungover - is quite set on staring at him.

"So we know that there were three sacrifices, yeah?" Kevin holds the tablet up for all to see, so excited in his discover that he's forgotten the others can't read Enochian or whatever in the hell other language is written on the tablet. The three let it slide, though, so they don't embarrass their friend. "Well, the first is the product of a past love between an Angel and a human. The second, the bow of a cherubim who gifts humans with love. But the third - the third _had_ to be Cas."

"Did it really have to be Cas or was he just convenient?" Dean asks, ignoring the glares he receives. But Kevin doesn't seem to mind.

"No, no, you see, it had to be Cas. The third sacrifice - It's the grace of an Angel in love with a human!" Kevin is nearly bouncing on his toes, yet his audience is stunned to silence. 

"What?" Dean asks. Because he understands, and at the same time he doesn't. Angels can't love at all, let alone love humans. So really, just... _what_? Sam is looking at his older brother, who himself is now studying Kevin. Neither notices Cas lean over, massaging his temples. "Is that true?" Dean asks, and Sam is about to open up his mouth and reply when he sees that Dean is addressing Cas. The two are looking at each other for the first time in a week, and Cas can't say a thing. He looks stricken, mouth slightly ajar. Sam looks between the two before looking down to his lap in amazement. He might have been the one to defend Cas, but that didn't mean he found the idea any more likely than Dean ever had. 

Cas doesn't say anything in reply, and the three watch as he exits the room. After the door has shut, Kevin turns back to Sam and Dean. "Have I missed something?" he asks.

* * *

Cas is sitting on his bed, wondering if he'll be sent straight to Hell if he commits suicide, when Dean walks in the room. Cas is so absorbed in his thoughts that, for once he isn't just pretending not to notice. "Hey there, Cas. Mind if I sit?" Cas doesn't answer but Dean sits anyway, on a non-threatening chair across from Cas. Cas is biting the insides of his lips, staring down into his lap when Dean is finally settled. Cas manages to look up and try to smile, but only just. The awkward air in the room makes it impossible for Dean to maintain eye contact, and his eyes survey the room before finding the floor. Cas, discourged, looks back down as well.

"You in love with me, Cas?" Dean asks. Both are too afraid to look up. So Dean takes a shakey breath, and lifts his head - eyes still closed for courage - and continues. "'Cause, you know, if you are..."

Cas is trying so hard not to bite his lips, but he's so afraid of the next words that'll come out of Dean's mouth. The ones that say he doesn't feel the same, the ones that say he wants Cas to leave. 

But that isn't what he hears. That isn't what Dean says. What Dean does say, when he finally manages to open his eyes and speak, is "Well that's the best news I've heard in a long time."

Cas thinks he might cry again, but this time not from some form of anguish. He's laughing, and embracing Dean with all the force he can muster, and just whispering "I do, I do, I do," into all the places he can reach. And the whispers might not be whispers but shouts, or even normal speaking tones. But Dean is laughing and whispering/shouting/normally speaking back "I love you too."


End file.
